Friday, August 31, 2012

Seeking Truth

The BYU music program's catch phrase is "seeking truth through great music." And let me tell you, the moments when you find it are worth whatever it took to get there. Playing it, listening to it, whatever. Great music can change lives. Isn't that extraordinary?!

So my parents, Kat, and I all just went to see Mandy Patinkin live in concert at BYU (another one of the many reason I love going to school here. Performing arts series....unbelievable.) And he sang. Oh, did he sing. It was heart-stopping. He sang with a voice straight from heaven.

Now hear me out. I love words. I love the English language. I love using it and hearing it and writing in it and learning how it works. But there are some things that it simply does not accomplish--things that music is mysteriously capable of doing. Really great music can somehow express thoughts and feelings and emotions that we haven't discovered words for yet. I don't understand it, and I can't explain it. But gosh dang it, I love music. I love everything about it.

Here, listen to this. It's Lily's Eyes from The Secret Garden. It's one of my favorite songs of all time.

There's nothing like a little bit of magic to give you a lift.

Love always,

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Key Lime Yogurt

This post actually has nothing to do with key lime yogurt, except that I'm eating some right now. I walked down to the Creamery and I bought this tasty yogurt. I also bought chocolate milk and tortilla chips and mascara, and then I walked back across campus with one of my best friends and we talked about college and life and groceries with our hands full of shopping bags. A little after that, I had another epiphany about life. (I know, I've had a lot of them lately. It'll be over soon, I'm sure.)

I realized that I'm not what I imagined I'd be at this point in my life. I thought I'd be...geez, pretty much a superhero. In my imagination, I saw a tall woman with wavy curls who was thinner and more confident than me, and who didn't have to deal with the problems I had. For some reason, I thought that as I grew up, I'd realize who I was and everything would be immediately clear to me. And then it suddenly occurred to me that who I am isn't some great mystery that I'll miraculously know the answer to all of a sudden. It's one of those many, many things that I seem to be stuck in for the long haul.

Bit by little bit, I learn about myself. I learn that I like listening to Mumford & Sons and The Shins. I learn that spending time alone is important to me. I learn that I really do like the color pink. I learn that when people I like ask me to do something, I have a hard time saying no. I learn that walking with my daddy is one of my absolute favorite things. I learn that my mom is and always will be my best friend. I learn that I miss reading Winnie the Pooh to my baby brother. I learn that I bite my nails when I'm nervous. I learn that I like talking to Wade about school and girls. I learn that if I go over to Paul and Nicole's house and break down in tears, they'll sit me down and hug me and scratch my back and let me cry until I'm finished. I learn that Calvin & Hobbes is actually a great source of wisdom. I learn that key lime yogurt is really very good and I like eating it. I learn that practicing hard is enormously satisfying. I learn that having to feed myself is a weird experience. I learn that napping on the grass is fun and will probably leave you sunburned. I learn that late night burrito runs are sometimes a good thing. I learn that Bruce is "The Car of Secrets" and I kind of enjoy that. I learn that rain storms make me very comfortable. I learn that my sweet family means more to me than anything else ever will. I learn that fly fishing is the greatest therapy on earth. I learn that each of these things are part of me, and they always will be. Simple things like this...are me. I mean, they literally are me. I'm made up of them. Who I am is all these things piled up and glued together with chocolate milk and eclairs. I'm losing track of my thought-dogs, but you know what I mean.

I was at Borders with Kat the other day and I saw a pencil case that I want to go back and buy. It had cute green leaves and a wonderful quote on it. George Bernard Shaw said, "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself." I love that. I get to choose who and what I am, and I choose it by who I love and what I do and where I go. Isn't that just captivating? I love it. I'm going to finish my key lime yogurt and go practice, because that's what I like doing. Ha!

Love always,

Sunday, August 19, 2012


Growing up is nothing like what I thought it'd be. Take my moving out as a random, non-specific example. I'll be less than a mile away, granted, but this is still harder, scarier, more intimidating, and more exciting than I ever thought it would be. I feel like a bubbly pot of emotions. Spilling all over the stove and making hissing noises and causing your brother to yell, "What food are you ruining in there?"

Maybe not exactly like that...but it's a pretty close analogy. Swinging from sheer excitement to overwhelming sadness and over to utter fear and back to excitement is unnerving to say the least. I feel like I spend a lot of my time in a blank, completely unaware of what's physically going on around me because I'm so preoccupied with my thoughts, which are like wicked little gremlins running rampant and stealing car keys and shoes. It's like trying to walk 13 dogs at once. I have to get them out of people's yards and clean up after them and hold all the leashes and not get tangled up and try not to lose them. I'm ashamed to say that I think I've misplaced several of my thought-dogs, which makes it hard to get anything done. Because you can't walk a thought-dog if you don't have a thought-dog. By which I mean I can't pack if I don't remember that I actually need to pack.

I'll try to abandon the bad analogies now, but it's really the only way to describe how I feel. I'm going to start doing for myself all the things that I didn't imagine myself doing until I was an adult. Oh, surprise! I am an adult! (Which is weird. I can't possibly be an adult, I'm too...short. And young. And tired?) So...I'm moving out of my house this week. I'll probably be able to see my house from my apartment window...but still. I won't be at home. I'll be studying and playing and doing laundry and going to class and practicing practicing practicing and grocery shopping and cooking and napping in hallways and bathrooms. (Remind me to tell you a story about that another time. It's a really funny story.) 

I think this blog post was over a long time ago. I'm still confused and tired. To sum it up in the eloquent words of my friend Eli, "Sometimes my mind goes on a walk. And then I'm like, 'Well mouth, it's just you and me.'" So I apologize for the rambling post. But it's pretty accurate.

Love always,