Sunday, August 19, 2012


Growing up is nothing like what I thought it'd be. Take my moving out as a random, non-specific example. I'll be less than a mile away, granted, but this is still harder, scarier, more intimidating, and more exciting than I ever thought it would be. I feel like a bubbly pot of emotions. Spilling all over the stove and making hissing noises and causing your brother to yell, "What food are you ruining in there?"

Maybe not exactly like that...but it's a pretty close analogy. Swinging from sheer excitement to overwhelming sadness and over to utter fear and back to excitement is unnerving to say the least. I feel like I spend a lot of my time in a blank, completely unaware of what's physically going on around me because I'm so preoccupied with my thoughts, which are like wicked little gremlins running rampant and stealing car keys and shoes. It's like trying to walk 13 dogs at once. I have to get them out of people's yards and clean up after them and hold all the leashes and not get tangled up and try not to lose them. I'm ashamed to say that I think I've misplaced several of my thought-dogs, which makes it hard to get anything done. Because you can't walk a thought-dog if you don't have a thought-dog. By which I mean I can't pack if I don't remember that I actually need to pack.

I'll try to abandon the bad analogies now, but it's really the only way to describe how I feel. I'm going to start doing for myself all the things that I didn't imagine myself doing until I was an adult. Oh, surprise! I am an adult! (Which is weird. I can't possibly be an adult, I'm too...short. And young. And tired?) So...I'm moving out of my house this week. I'll probably be able to see my house from my apartment window...but still. I won't be at home. I'll be studying and playing and doing laundry and going to class and practicing practicing practicing and grocery shopping and cooking and napping in hallways and bathrooms. (Remind me to tell you a story about that another time. It's a really funny story.) 

I think this blog post was over a long time ago. I'm still confused and tired. To sum it up in the eloquent words of my friend Eli, "Sometimes my mind goes on a walk. And then I'm like, 'Well mouth, it's just you and me.'" So I apologize for the rambling post. But it's pretty accurate.

Love always,


A-money said...

Holy crap, the dog analogy...that is exactly how I feel. Seriously. Thanks for describing it, because I sure can't.

Melody said...

I loved those analogies, and I love that quote and dagnabbit, I love you.

Those emotions sound awfully familiar to me. I felt the same way when I first left home. And again when I got engaged, and again when I got married. And when I started my nursing degree and when I finished my nursing degree and when I went to work and when I had kids and when I bought a house and when I got a dog and...well, to be honest, every day of my life when I get up and realize that nobody's making me breakfast because I'm a grown-up, and nobody else is gonna raise those kids because I'M THEIR MOTHER, and for goodness sake, I have to walk that dog because he's not a thought-dog and whatever happens on the floor if I don't walk him is proof! That ain't thought poop! (Although, that is a funny concept, isn't it? I consider much of what I'm writing here to be thought poop.)

Growing up is hard. Remember what Calvin's Dad said after the break-in? "I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up if I knew the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed." Yeah, hit that one right on. :)

The good news is, it's pretty easy to fake being a grown-up. You simply keep being who you are and just get older and (in my case only on very rare occasions) wiser. You figure out how to handle what you have, then it changes, and you figure it out again. You have friends and family who love you and will help you, and you are entitled to the guidance of the Spirit as you seek it and live righteously, and between those things, kiddo, it all works out. Life is hard because it needs to be, and change is necessary to keep us growing. And if you are 30 and have to hold two DVDs up and debate whether you're going to watch Persuasion or Phineas and Ferb, that's okay too. :) I love you with all my heart, sweet Kate. I am so very proud of you.

You ARE great.

Marianne said...

I wanted to comment on this post about 5 minutes after you posted it, but I couldn't because I couldn't see the keyboard or the screen...

Now that I'm only leaking a few tears and not producing a Noah-esque event, I would like to first of all, heartily second Mel's comments, and second, tell you that I will always be here, whenever you need me. You have never seemed to need much advice or counsel, but you have always let me hover and help. I've always thought you do that because you're a good girl and you are willing to humor your crazy mother. But if by chance you actually DO need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. From me or Dad or anyone else. There are lots and lots and alots of things you can do for yourself, and SHOULD do for yourself, but there are also plenty of things that you will need help with, and Heavenly Father expects you to ask for help when you need it--from Him or from someone else.

So off you go into the wide, wide world. You have groceries and little hooks to hang your jewelry on, and a new gig bag, and lots of very stupidly expensive textbooks. You also have a heart as big as all outdoors, and a smile that could light up Shanghai, and talents and skills (bowstaff, nunchuck, etc.)and a testimony. You can do this, and you'll have SO much fun, and you'll learn a lot, and I'll be right here when you need me.

I love you, my little thought-dog.